Sometimes in life it is so hard to do the right thing. You struggle to get it right, find your way, keep your integrity, balance the pros and cons, listen to your heart, ask God to show you His way. I’ve learnt that God mostly gives me the answer in my spirit. When it’s disturbed, I proceed unchecked at my peril. I always regret the times I have ignored it. But even when following what you know is right for you, is not without its risks. The risk of offending someone, of losing a friendship, even missing an opportunity. God has placed His Spirit within those of us who have recognized His voice and responded. And it’s the way God can then communicate directly with us – this mysterious spirit-to-spirit communication.
I’ve been reading the Book of Proverbs lately – 31 chapters, one for each day of the month. When you search after wisdom, it’s quite astonishing how God reveals it to you. Not always easy stuff to hear. It goes against our natural, human tendencies, but it leads us on the high road. Helps us recognize the temptations that come along daily, and how to deal with them. And they always come along the lines of our vulnerabilities. Even those friends who know us best would probably be surprised at what they are. I’m surprised at myself.
But in spite of all this optimism, this solo journey is not easy. The times I have been driving and, with heart torn apart, wishing the car would just drive off the road and send me on my way to that open doorway to heaven I see so clearly. God, why did you design me to find my completeness in another, my perfect soulmate, and then ask me to find my way without him? Where is the meaning in all that? No matter how many friends may care about you, your life begins to feel incidental to any of them. They all have their other priorities – and that as it should be. But whether you ever make it home, or return from a trip – who would really care? In such a brief time, just a distant memory in their lives. Tiny ripples in a pond, a mist drifting across the silent waters. But for those who live in this grief of separation from the one who brought all the richness and color and vibrancy to life – what can you do but cry out to God, who does understand?
Life swings from a strong sense of purpose, where the track is so clear and energizing and exciting, to these valleys of darkness, along a lonely road, occasionally illuminated with the lights of oncoming traffic. Will you make it to the next destination? And what awaits you? A lonely room in some nondescript hotel? It’s like living in some in-between world. We slip between the dimensions with an ease unknown to those walking in their own realities. Perhaps the next full moon will shine more brightly on the path, and we’ll find our way across the vast reaches of space. Always drawn to the light.
A fresh deep snow is the just the way to finish out the month of January. Almost 5 inches blanketed the countryside up on the ridge by Saturday morning. The dogs were ecstatic! I'm dogsitting the neighbor's retriever/chow mix, Dakoda, who is good company for Schooner. They snuffled and cavorted in the deep drifts as we tromped through the woods down to the creek.
A refreshing walk in the brisk air is energizing to the mind, so the afternoon was spent at my favorite writing spot in front of the crackling fire, looking through the French doors at a steady kaleidescope of birds visiting the feeders and foraging for seed in the sparkling snow. Red Cardinals, cheeky Blue Jays, Carolina Chickadees, sparrows, and a whole possy of doves flock to the welcome feast, chattering in glee. Red-headed Woodpeckers vye for the best position at the suet cage, clinging upside down on the dark tree trunk.
